Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Kids Say the Darndest Things

In society, we are all taught to live by certain rules. As children, we are taught by our parents what's appropriate and what's inappropriate, including things we should say and things we should not say. As parents, we do our best to pass those same lessons down to our own children.

But then come along things like the X-Box. And the next thing you know, you’re hearing your kids say things you never imagined would come out of their mouths.

Things like:

“I shot him three times and he’s still alive!”

“Shoot him in the head!”

“More zombies! Get the machine gun!”

“Cool...a missile launcher!”

“I’m going to use the sniper rifle. What kind of gun are you going to use?”

“I’m shot! Get over here, quick!”

“Wow! You killed 42 of them! Sweet!”

“Make sure you get lots of grenades...we have to blow up the water tower.”

“You’ve got to be frickin’ kidding me! I totally killed that guy!”

“Crap...I’m dead.”

Yes, this has become the normal banter in my house. But no matter how terrible it may sound at times, I find comfort by reminding myself of three important things:

1. Given the right weapons, my boys can take down an enemy tank any day.

2. If zombies ever attack our home, my boys will know how to kill them.

3. The boys are having fun and spending quality time together...that is until I hear one of them yell, “Mom!”

It’s usually then that I have to intervene and lay down the law. I do so by simply saying:

“Stop killing your brother or else you’re done playing!”

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Friday, April 2, 2010

Back From Hell

I know, I know. I said I was going to get with the program and post more often. But, hey, I told you I had to go to the DMV, didn't I?

I wish I had taken my camera with me to the DMV, because there were two things there that played right into my whole "trip to hell" theme. First was the sign right outside the door that read "No smoking within 20 feet of this facility." (See...wouldn't that have made for a great picture?!)

The second was a man (at least I think it was) that looked just like the devil himself. He had long black dreadlocks down to his waist and an even longer gotee that was divided into two braids. He was dressed in red, tattered shorts and a black T-shirt with a red imprint of Jimmy Hendrix on the front. Oh, and he had those circle, John-Lennon-looking glasses on.

What? That's not how you picture the devil?

During my two-hour visit to hell, I had a lot of time to think. One epiphany I had (and loyally shared with Happy Hour Somewhere first) was that people who work at the DMV have got to be the smartest people on the planet. I mean, think about it--they never have to wait around at the DMV to renew their license or registration. (Brilliant, I tell ya!)

Luckily, I did not have to take any tests to renew my license. I thought I was going to have to at least take an eye test, considering it had been at least ten years since my last one, but the lady said there was no need. So if you see a lady in a gold Jeep running stop signs and red lights, with a trail of roadkill behind her, it's probably me (sorry, little squirrel).

It actually feels good to have a legitimate license again (even if my new picture looks like I was eye-fondled by dirty old men for two hours--a little more to the left, please...oh, yes, right there). I can speed again and everything without having to worry about getting a ticket for driving with an expired license!

It also feels good to post again. Where else am I going to share my sightings of the devil and DMV epiphanies?

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