Today I read Bat Crap Crazy's post about variuos life lessons. She asked for everyone to share their own life lessons, so I shared one of my own with her. It had to do with kids and their giant turds.
The uncanny thing about it all is that within 45 minutes of posting my comment, I hear my son yelling from the bathroom, "Mom! The toilet's backed up again!"
ME: "Shit! Not again!"
Of course, when I arrived in the bathroom, the toilet was full of so much toilet paper, it looked as if the entire neighborhood stopped by my house to wipe their ass.
ME: "Son, just how big do you think your ass is?
SON: "Sorry...every time I wiped there was still poop on the paper, so I just kept wiping until it was clean."
ME: "Soooooo, that was what...572 times?"
SON: "I don't know."
As I'm having this conversation with my son, I see the real culprit lurking amongst the soggy mountain of toilet paper...another one of his infamous giant turds.
If you have seen my son, you know he's a skinny, little guy and the shortest kid in his class. You would never believe that the turd I saw in the toilet today came out of him. But this is a common thing in my house. Not only with him, but with my daughter as well.
It is actually my daughter who holds the record in our household for the biggest turd. She was about ten years old when she passed it. I mean, this thing was so long, I wondered if she was able to taste it before she crapped it out. It was so mind boggling, I couldn’t help but to take a picture of it! (I know...kind of weird, but believe me...now that my daughter's a teenager, that picture has come in very handy!)
Seriously. I don't know how my kids pass these turds without an epidural. By the size of them, you'd think my kid hadn't crapped in six months. But I know they have, because I swear I'm in the fricken' bathroom plunging a toilet full of one of my kid's shit at least once a week. And do you know how difficult it is to plunge a toilet with a giant turd in the bowl, not to mention Walmart's entire stock of toilet paper? There's a reason we have a pair of "turd tongs" in my house, but we don't need to go into that. I'm sure the words "turd tongs" create enough of a mental picture as it is.
As for today's giant turd, it didn't break the record, but it was a close contender.
ME: "Son, how many times do I have to tell you to flush these things before you start wiping?
SON: "Sorry...I didn't know it was that big."
ME: "How could you not know it was that big...it's GINORMOUS! You've got to be at least five pounds lighter than you were before you crapped that thing out!"
SON: "Did I break the record?"
SON: "Dang it! Can you take a picture of it anyway?"
SON: "Why not?"
ME: "Because I'm just not, okay. The camera isn't charged up anyway."
SON: "Do you need the turd tongs?"
My son ran off and retrieved the turd tongs. (You should be happy to know that they are kept in the garage and not in the kitchen.)
Upon my son's return, he asked, "Can I do it?"
ME: "No, son...you've done enough."
HOLY SHIT AND OMG and (insert own expletive here)
13 hours ago