Friday, March 12, 2010

Turd Tongs

Today I read Bat Crap Crazy's post about variuos life lessons. She asked for everyone to share their own life lessons, so I shared one of my own with her. It had to do with kids and their giant turds.

The uncanny thing about it all is that within 45 minutes of posting my comment, I hear my son yelling from the bathroom, "Mom! The toilet's backed up again!"

ME: "Shit! Not again!"

Of course, when I arrived in the bathroom, the toilet was full of so much toilet paper, it looked as if the entire neighborhood stopped by my house to wipe their ass.

ME: "Son, just how big do you think your ass is?

SON: "Sorry...every time I wiped there was still poop on the paper, so I just kept wiping until it was clean."

ME: "Soooooo, that was what...572 times?"

SON: "I don't know."

As I'm having this conversation with my son, I see the real culprit lurking amongst the soggy mountain of toilet paper...another one of his infamous giant turds.

If you have seen my son, you know he's a skinny, little guy and the shortest kid in his class. You would never believe that the turd I saw in the toilet today came out of him. But this is a common thing in my house. Not only with him, but with my daughter as well.

It is actually my daughter who holds the record in our household for the biggest turd. She was about ten years old when she passed it. I mean, this thing was so long, I wondered if she was able to taste it before she crapped it out. It was so mind boggling, I couldn’t help but to take a picture of it! (I know...kind of weird, but believe me...now that my daughter's a teenager, that picture has come in very handy!)

Seriously. I don't know how my kids pass these turds without an epidural. By the size of them, you'd think my kid hadn't crapped in six months. But I know they have, because I swear I'm in the fricken' bathroom plunging a toilet full of one of my kid's shit at least once a week. And do you know how difficult it is to plunge a toilet with a giant turd in the bowl, not to mention Walmart's entire stock of toilet paper? There's a reason we have a pair of "turd tongs" in my house, but we don't need to go into that. I'm sure the words "turd tongs" create enough of a mental picture as it is.

As for today's giant turd, it didn't break the record, but it was a close contender.

ME: "Son, how many times do I have to tell you to flush these things before you start wiping?

SON: "Sorry...I didn't know it was that big."

ME: "How could you not know it was that big...it's GINORMOUS! You've got to be at least five pounds lighter than you were before you crapped that thing out!"

SON: "Did I break the record?"

ME: "No."

SON: "Dang it! Can you take a picture of it anyway?"

ME: "No."

SON: "Why not?"

ME: "Because I'm just not, okay. The camera isn't charged up anyway."

SON: "Do you need the turd tongs?"

ME: "Yes...unfortunately."

My son ran off and retrieved the turd tongs. (You should be happy to know that they are kept in the garage and not in the kitchen.)

Upon my son's return, he asked, "Can I do it?"

ME: "No, son...you've done enough."

Photobucket

21 comments:

Holy Hannah said...

That's hilarious! I have a boy like that too. You would swear the turd was the size of his arm. Never thought of turd tongs though! ~Steph

Frugal Vicki said...

ummmm, I have things to share, but can't do it in public, and wth was up with the last post that I couldn't comment?
Oh yeah, AND OMG, you posted twice in a week, either I am dying or you won't be posting again for six months....we miss ya when you are gone. Where else am I going to get my turd and gyno stories?

Dual Mom said...

Turd tongs? Seriously? Ok I have to ask....what the hell do you do with the crap when you take it out with the turd tongues? Inquiring minds want to know....

L said...

To answer Dual Mom's question, the turds go into a trash bag...usually the plastic Walmart bags that I kept under the sink in each bathroom. I've learned over the years that you can never be too prepared.

Daffy said...

Turd tongs....I'm filing that away in the Future Need To Know file in my Mom Of the Year handbag.

I really don't mind still being the diaper stage in our house....I'm thinking I am not looking forward to these moments....

Moooooog35 said...

You should actually write down WHAT YOU'RE FEEDING YOUR FAMILY so we don't make the same mistake.

The day I fish shit out of the toilet using tongs, is the day I take a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the temple.

BigSis said...

OMG. That is some funny shit! (Sorry, I couldn't help it.)

- The Virgin Author! said...

OMFG. That was too good! =)) ROFL! I couldn't help laughing while reading your post. I'm sure you were in a bad mood when you actually had this scene, but you made it look completely funny! :D

Red Writer said...

That is hysterical! I thought my brother was the only one with turd tongs!

Diwakar Sinha said...

ewww...a bit discomforting :P to read...
bt I'm happy dat i wasnt eating anything while at it..
good post! though.

Robin said...

Hi Im following you from "Ive been thinking"..you are her 6 degree or something like that..but the truth is I couldn't resist "Turd Tongs"..are we related...my family is the same way..everytime my daughter is at a hotel she backs up the toilet..and hubs likes to measure them..and yes, we have taken snapshots...Ive got them on the computer if ya want to see..LMAO..Naaa..Jk..Nice to meet ya..hope this doesnt turn you off from visiting...Lol!

Brittney said...

Holy shit (pun intended) that was the funniest story ive read all day!!!! Lmao!! Thankfully ive finished my spaghetti before reading haha!!!

I came to your blog from Lluvia at I've been thinking.. Im following you now :)

*LLUVIA* said...

ROTFLMAO!!!

Funniest shit I've read today!! :D

Miss Understood said...

Holy shit this was by far the funniest post I have ever read!!!

Niki

L said...

I keep wondering what's worse: the fact that my son knows what and where the turd tongs are wanted to use them or that he knows of the record in our house and was disappointed that he didn't break it. Boys!

Alissa said...

I stopped by thanks to Lluvia, and am so glad I did. Great post!

~J said...

LMFAO! I'm literally crying right now...found you through Dual Mom-glad I did!

Leca said...

I would be totally grossed out if that weren't exactly how it goes at my house. Although, props to you that you actually have a designated set of tongs. Very creative. I usually go with the plastic bag over my hand-- that's way worse than tongs. Perhaps you should invest in a super flusher toilet. You could ask for it for mother's day.

Kelsey said...

That is one of the funniest things I've ever read. In my younger days, my mom has spent many a time plunging out the toilet! lol

The Tickled Diva said...

I just saw your post, I am laughing so hard tears are running out of my eyes and my baby kicked his cover off to see what mommy was laughing so hard about. My kids clogg up the toilet all the time. I can relate, although they are only 6 and 4. I have a lot to look forward to. Lol

Kennedy Thorley said...

Oh my goodness. It was funny when I read it to myself, but then I called my sister and read it to her and could barely get through it! Trust me; it's much better out loud! I've got the hiccups now...