Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Whoremones

As you may have figured out by now, I’m not a blogger that posts every day. The reason for this is because not all of my life’s events relate to the theme of my blog. But, if I am patient, eventually something surfaces that fits right in there. Such is the case with my daughter’s trip to the doctor this past Sunday.

My daughter had spent the night with her best friend the Saturday evening before. That Sunday afternoon, after returning from her friend's house, my daughter came to me and said, “Mom, I think I have a urinary tract infection.”

Like any good mom woud do, I asked her about her symptoms. When she told me she felt like she had to pee every five seconds, had blood in her pee, and it felt like she was peeing fire, I agreed that it did, indeed, sound like a urinary tract infection. So off to the doctor we went.

Now, before I go any further with this story, it's important you know a little bit about my daughter. First off, my daughter is a good kid. She is a straight A student and very mature and responsible. The two of us are very close and I have always made it a point to talk to her about sex and female issues. Sometimes I tell her more than she even wants to hear, but that’s just because I want to make sure she knows that I’m not stupid and also hope that it will help her to feel more comfortable to talk to me about such topics on her own (and so far, so good).

On the other hand, my daughter is also a teenager, and even at the young age of 14, there are lots of hormones running through her body. I know there are girls her age, and even younger, who are having sex already. I think it is horrifying, but they are not my daughters. However, when it comes to my daughter and sex, I am 100% certain that my daughter is not sexually active right now. And as for her urinary tract infection, I was 100% certain the cause of her urinary tract infection was not related to sex. So back to the story....

As I was driving my daughter to the doctor's (a 45-minute drive), she remained fairly quiet. I knew this was because she was trying her best to concentrate on not having to pee, because she did not want to have to stop and pee on the side of the freeway.

During the ride, I took the opportunity to talk to my daughter about how the doctor would probably ask her some personal questions about sex and whether or not she was sexually active. I told her that if she wanted me to, I would leave the room if she was not comfortable talking about something in front of me, but she insisted she wanted me there and that she had nothing to hide—she was not having sex. I then brought up the subject of what I figured was the real cause of her urinary tract infection (eh-hem...improper wiping). Her response was, “I know, Mom.”

After arriving at the doctor’s office, we got sent down to the lab so my daughter could give a urine sample. She had the grimmest of grim looks on her face as she entered the bathroom. Although she was relieved to be able to pee, she was not looking forward to the fiery inferno she knew she would experience. When she came out of the bathroom, she looked as if she was ready to hand her vagina to me and say, “Here! Take it! I don’t want it anymore!”

As soon as we returned to the waiting room, the nurse called my daughter’s name. She took her weight and temperature and then set us up in a room and asked about the reason for today’s visit.

My daughter went through her symptoms and the nurse entered them into the computer. The nurse then kindly shared the name of an over-the-counter medication, called Azo, that quickly eliminates that feeling of having to pee every five seconds. She told us if she ever got an infection in the future and could not get to the doctor right away, that medicine would be a big help in the meantime. She shared her own UTI story, letting my daughter know she knew her pain, then told us the doctor would be in after the lab results returned from the urine sample.

After about 10 or 15 minutes, the doctor entered the room. He was an elderly man with a bit of an Asian accent. He introduced himself then started asking my daughter various questions about her symptoms. I gave my input every now and then. The doctor took in all the information.

After a long pause, he finally asked, “Do you ever talk about sex with your daughter?” Knowing where he was going with this, I gave a little smirk and answered, “Yes, we talk about all kinds of stuff when it comes to sex and do so quite often. I can assure you she is not sexually active right now.” He looked at my daughter, she gave him a look as if to say, “You heard the lady.” He then typed something into his computer.

After another long pause, the doctor said, “Well, it does look like she has some type of infection going on based on the urine sample. However, it is not very common for girls her age to get urinary tract infections.” He then continued on with his medical knowledge.

Now, this is right about the time when I began searching through my own medical knowledge. Having worked as a medical transcriptionist for over ten years, having two urinary tract infections of my own over the years, knowing many other females, both young and old alike, who have had urinary tract infections, and recalling the nurse’s story about her own experiences with urinary tract infections, I told myself, “This bozo has no idea what he’s talking about!”

I sat there quietly though as the doctor continued with his sterotypical assumptions about my daughter. He then finally asked my daughter, “Are you sexually active?” and she answered in her best annoyed voice, “No, I’m not,” and stared him right in the eye. The doctor looked at her and then typed something in his computer again.

Finally, he came over and felt her neck and had her open her mouth wide and say, “Awweeeee.” Of course, I’m thinking, “Wrong end, Doc,” but I knew there was no need for him to examine her down below for a urinary tract infection. Even if he suggested it, I would have told him no, because she had never been examined down there by a male doctor before and I was not going to let him be the first.

After the doctor finished examining my daughter, he began to explain what the urine sample results showed so far. He said although it showed evidence of an infection, he would not know if it was due to the more common bacteria that cause urinary tract infections or if it was due to some other bacteria, like the ones found in various STDs. It would take three days to get the culture results back.

After his speech, the doc looked at me and asked, “Would you mind if I talk to your daughter in private?” I said, “No problem!” As I got up to leave the room, I gave my daughter a look that she knows very well—the one that says, “I told you so!” then left the room.

While I waited outside the room, the nurse who checked us in looked over at me as if she was puzzled. I smiled and said, “He wanted to talk to her in private.” She just rolled her eyes and shook her head.

After a minute or two, the door opened and the doctor said, “You can come back in now.” When I entered the room, I looked over at my poor daughter. She gave me a look that I knew had the words, “I HATE THIS F’ING DOCTOR!” behind it.

The doctor proceeded to tell me that he was going to go ahead and prescribe the antibiotic for the typical bacteria known to cause urinary tract infections, along with something to help with the burning sensation. But he warned us that the antibiotic might not work if the culture were to show some other type of bacteria, like the ones that cause STDs. I nodded in agreement, told him I understood, then we got our prescription slip and left.

My daughter and I walked out of the doctor’s office and back out past the waiting room without saying a word. It wasn’t until we were far enough away from everyone that I said to my daughter, “You know…I think the doctor thinks you’re a dirty, little whore.”

At that very moment, my daughter said, “I know! My GOD! He must have asked me at least five different times if I have had sex! I kept telling him NO! I even swore on my life!” I started laughing and my daughter, still in disbelief and trying to get over it all, finally began to crack a smile.

As we waited in the pharmacy for the prescription to be filled, we began to joke back and forth about everything. I thought up new names for her, like Princess Sluts-A-Lot and Whorezilla. One lady looked over at me as if mortified that I was saying those things to my daughter, but it just made us laugh more.

I then text my husband (her step dad) and said, “Apparently, your stepdaughter is a whore…at least that’s what the doctor thinks.” Having no idea what I was talking about, his response was, “What?” I then sent another text explaining what had happened and he text back, “What an ASS! How about improper wiping, or one of the other many possible causes…jerk!”

After getting the prescription filled, my daughter and I headed back home, contining to joke about the doctor's visit the entire way. Just as we were turning into our neighborhood, I told her to try not to be such a whore next time. She then smiled at me and said, “I’ll do my best, but you know...I have a lot of uncontrollable ‘whore-mones’ in me.” I busted up laughing and thought, “That’s my girl!”

Photobucket

12 comments:

BigSis said...

That is a great story. It's nice to see that parents can be friends with their kids and still act like responsible adults. I hope that my son and I will continue our ability to talk about everything when he gets older.

Lisa Marie said...

OMG what a prick doctor! It is nice that you and your daughter have such an open relationship. I dread the day my toddler son's hormones go nutty and all the sudden I have a teenager! I don't envy the task of raising a daughter in this very sexualized world we live in. You get major props from me:)
Great post!

ethelmaepotter! said...

I went through this same thing mysef at age 17, almost exactly the same scenario - the doctor asking me in front of my mom, then sending her out the room, asking again and again...I'm sure he never believed me. It's because they're men...they cannot conceive of any virginal behavior past the age of 12.

Hissyfits & Halos said...

Buah ha ha ha! That's awesome! My oldest daughter is 12, and there are girls in her school that are pregnant. I've been criticized for being so open with her about sex, but it sounds like we have the same type of relationship like you and your daughter have. I like to see other Mom's who aren't niave. It doesn't make me feel so lonely in my little world of daughters with wild whore-mones.

Daffy said...

Grrrr....doctors bug me. I dont' have a good track record with them...I tend to leave skid marks of my own in their offices....

fantastic to hear you have such an awesome relationship with your daughter

Terry said...

My oldest is 12 and so far she has been pretty open with me. Still threw me for a loop when she asked when she should start shaving "down there"...WHAT??!! Never!! lmao...so this is what I have to look forward to...yikes...

Cara Smith said...

My daughter is 7 and it is really hard work keeping relationship doors open where she feels like she can talk to me about anything. Congratulaions for doing a good job.

Terry...the best answer for that is when you can see it outside of the bathingsuit line. It will be a lot worse converstion if she gets picked on for it.

adrienzgirl said...

We have had a similar experience at the docs office. My daughter and I both. Doctors always assume they are having sex. ALWAYS.

After her first "girl" exam because of cramping and the "yeah sure you aren't" attitude and the doctor concluded, that in fact she was telling the truth...she looked the doc right in the eye and "I told you so!"

That's my girl!

Momma Fargo said...

Great story! I have also been there at that age. Didn't have the same understanding from my mom, however. Now, she gets it. Glad to see moms have come out of the Dinosaur Age. Rock on!

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Whore-mones~! Jiminy, she is quick witted like her mom. She is a great kid...even if she is a dirty little whore. (Just kidding, kiddo~!) Although if she ever reads this and has a blog of her own one day, that is one post I want to read. Skid marks? As I always say, peanut butter consistency poops are hard to wipe away!

Ant said...

I'm a new followers, enjoy reading your blog, its so nice to know that a parent and child can have such a close friendship.

Anonymous said...

What a great resource!