Thursday, December 17, 2009

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I know it has been awhile since you’ve heard from me. Gosh, I think the last letter I wrote to you was sometime back in the 1970s. I guess that’s just because over the years, I’ve learned a thing or two about the whole “Santa” thing and know that not everything my parents told me about you when I was a kid is true. That’s what comes with being a celebrity, I guess. There’s always going to be gossip and false rumors floating around about you.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t still believe in you. I remember sitting on your lap that one year when you made an appearance at Sears, and how you knew my name without me telling you. You also brought me that Barbie camper I wanted so much when I was eight, and when I sent you a letter with my Christmas list when I was nine, you brought me the Donny & Marie dolls I asked for.

So, in case you’re still doing the whole delivering of presents thing, I thought it wouldn’t hurt to write you a letter and let you know what I’d like for Christmas this year.

I guess the thing I want most this year is a maid. Between work, the kids, and trying to be a good wife, I just can’t seem to find the time to keep up with all the messes that get created around this house. But please know that I don’t want just any maid. She’s got to be an ugly one. I don’t care if she’s skinny or fat, short or tall, just make sure she’s nice and ugly…maybe one of her legs is shorter than the other, she has some facial hair, a few missing teeth…anything that will keep my husband from wanting to check her out and getting himself into a mess like Tiger Woods. Come to think of it, one that looks like Hillary Clinton would do just fine.

The second thing I would like is a math tutor. No, the math tutor is not for my kids, it’s actually for me, because when my kids come to me and ask for help with their math homework, I have no fricken idea what I’m doing. Between the fractions and algebra and negative integers, it all looks like hieroglyphics to me. And to think I was an “A” student when it came to math during my younger years. Well, not anymore. Somehow all those math memory files in my brain got deleted or overwritten. I guess it’s like they say, “Use it or lose it.” (Either that or all the partying I did in my 20s.)

Next on my list would be some new clothes. This is mainly due to the fact that all of my clothes keep shrinking…especially my pants. I don’t know how or why this happens, but it continues to be an issue every single year. I've tried switching detergents and fabric softeners, washing my clothes in cold water, and even leaving them out to hang dry instead of putting them in the dryer, but no matter what I do, the damn things continue to shrink. I really do think it’s the manufacturers and the materials they use. You know, a marketing ploy to force people to buy new stuff from them every year (kind of like Microsoft does with their damn operating system software). Now, I know you might be thinking that maybe it’s not my clothes, maybe it’s just “me” getting a little larger over the years, putting on a little weight. But believe me, Santa, when I say, YOU DON’T WANT TO GO THERE! Just bring me some new clothes, okay?

Since we are on the subject of clothes, there is something else I need. I’m almost embarrassed to ask, since it’s kind of personal, but you’re Santa, and my parents told me when I was younger that you see and know “everything” that I do (BTW…my apologies for what you’ve seen me do with my husband in the bedroom…and living room…and kitchen…and closet…shower, countertops, stairs…oh, yes, and those couple times in the car). So, I’ll just come right out and tell you that I need some new underwear. Now, I’m not asking for any of that expensive Victoria’s Secret stuff, because I figured out her secret a long time ago, and that would be that her fancy panties and bras are overpriced and can’t make it through the wash more than three or four times (I don’t care if the tag says I’m supposed to hand wash it in cold water with mild detergent…I don’t have time for that crap! Remember? That’s the whole reason I need a maid!) Hell, I’ve still got some period panties that I bought years ago from Walmart that have outlasted every pair of Victoria Secret panties I have ever owned. So panties and bras from Walmart will do just fine. Oh, and make sure the panties are all red. Now that I’m in my 40s, my period seems to have a mind of its own and starts whenever it feels like it, so red helps hide the stains those unexpected periods leave behind. Thanks!

Last, but not least, I would like to ask that you “actually” bring my kids their presents this year. The older they get, the more they ask for gifts that cost a fortune. Between the X-boxes, video games, iPods, cell phones, and clothes, clothes and more clothes that my teenage daughter wants, my kids are going to bankrupt me before they get old enough to move out of the house. I know you are a busy man, and you’re really old now, and you’ve got the whole weight issue and all. I’m sure you’ve got some health problems you are dealing with, maybe need a knee replacement or two. Hell, for all I know, you might be sitting in a wheelchair in the North Pole Nursing Home right now. But you’re Santa! Is it too much to ask to bring my kids some presents just one time? I’ve been covering for your ass for years now, and quite frankly, I’m getting tired of spending all this money, staying up late every Christmas eve, waiting for the damn kids to fall asleep so that I can retrieve all the presents I hide in the attic and stuff them under the tree, all with tags marked “From Santa” on them. God forbid should they find out you have not brought them any presents over the years. Do you know what that would do to their self esteem? I'm also tired of eating all those damn Christmas cookies the kids leave out for you every year. That’s not helping my thighs or my ass (remember, Santa, don’t go there when it comes to the whole “clothes” thing…my clothes are shrinking…got it?).

Well, I guess that’s about it for my Christmas list this year. There are some other things I need, like some type of software that I can install into my husband’s brain or some other body part that will make him more romantic, but I know our technology has not quite made it there yet, and you’re no miracle worker. I also need my own personal plastic surgeon, but I think I can hang on a few more years without one.

Thanks for taking the time to read my letter, Santa. I really don’t expect you to bring me everything I asked for, but if you were to bring me just one thing on my list this year, I would be thrilled. Seriously, if I wake up Christmas morning and find only an ugly maid sitting under the tree, I will cry tears of joy!

Merry Christmas!



Dual Mom said...

Let me know if this works, I'll so be asking for an ugly maid next year.

The underwear....hilarious.

adrienzgirl said...

Will you actually bring my kids their gifts this year.....

Nice one!

Hissyfits & Halos said...

I think we shop at the same clothing stores. I get the same brand of the amazing "shrinking clothes." I think it's a conspiracy. Maybe the government?

Merry Christmas!

Laura said...

I totally agree with you on the VS bras. Hope you get what you're asking for this year ;)

Janiece said...

As always you bring a smile to my face.
I hope Santa reads your letter.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Dear L~!
You got it all wrong. You don't need an ugly need a gorgeous man to come and clean. If someone is going to be bending over to clean the floor, they might as well have a nice tooshie. The math tutor is Wolfram Alpha...just sneakily plug in the problem and out pops an answer. Your kids will think you are brilliant. I like the idea of new clothes. Since your shrinking clothes would fit a Barbie, I'm not terribly perturbed about him sending you a whole new wardrobe. Brat. The new panties you might have a point about. My favorite bra comes from Target (said in an appropriately French accent). Santa does not have a weight issue. Ahem. I think your kids might get their gifts but you might get a lump of coal if you don't leave super special cookies this year.

As for the software to make a romantic husband, Santa is going to leave a copy of "The Stepford Wives" for you...the new and old versions just to remind you to be careful what you wish for~!

Here's hoping you get a gorgeous guy to buff and might even be the house.

L said...

Actually, I already have the gorgeous "male" maid and that would be, ummmm, my husband (nice tushie and all). But I know he gets tired of all the cleaning, so the ugly maid would come in handy for the both of us!

Sonia Sunny Thomas said...

I loved this post. Was on the floor laughing...

especially the shrinking clothes bit... :P

ethelmaepotter! said...

So funny!
(I have an award for you over at my place.)
Merry Christmas, to you and the nice tushie husband!

Frugal Vicki said...

I hope you got all of it! At least the ugly maid. a he/she would be good I think