Thursday, September 17, 2009

Happy Anniversary While Going Pee

I know some of you are looking at that title and saying, “Huh?” But if you read my previous blog on September 15th, you know exactly what I am talking about and are probably saying, “No! Tell me he didn’t!”

Yes…he did.

The note was stuck to the toilet seat in one of our bathrooms.  In addition to that one, my husband also left one on the cabinet that contains the cat foot that said, “Happy Anniversary while feeding the cats,” and another on top of the lid of the oatmeal that said, “Happy Anniversary while you eat oatmeal.”

Now, I imagine some of you are probably thinking my husband is somewhat of a dork (and you would be correct in that assessment), but I live with the man and have somehow adjusted to that quirky side of him, so to me it’s just him being him.

Despite the raging PMS side of me that wanted to write him a note of my own that read “Happy Anniversary while you fish this out of your ass,” I wasn’t so far gone yet to where I was not able to realize that all these yellow sticky notes were his way of trying to be romantic, and there was probably more to come.

That is when panic set in.

Several days prior, during an argument, I had told my husband that I did not want to do anything for our anniversary. I did not want to go to dinner, no gifts, nothing. And I meant it. But all those sticky notes made me realize that he was probably going to ignore my desire for “nothing” on our anniversary, which meant I was the only one on board with that grand idea, meaning I had no card, no gift, no nothing!

Knowing I had to act fast, I did a quick Google search to find out what the traditional gift was for a second-year anniversary. Answer—cotton. My next search was cotton gifts for men. Answer—t-shirt or some other type of cotton clothing. So with very little time, off I went to the closest store with clothes in it...Target.

Upon my arrival at Target, I headed straight to the greeting card isle. It was then that I remembered I was PMSing, because I was physically unable to finish reading the mushy love cards. Instead, I found myself hoping to find a card that said something like, “I love you even though I hate you” or “Another year….yeah me.” But there was nothing like that. Somehow the sane part of me was able to choke down my cold PMS heart long enough to select a card that actually talked about being thankful to have him in my life, blah, blah, blah.

Next, it was off to the men’s clothing department. My thought was to get him a shirt or two. They are made of cotton, right? WRONG! Every shirt that appealed to my eye and my husband’s taste was made of either polyester, spandex, nylon, or a combination thereof. When I finally did find some t-shirts made partly of cotton, they were $4.99 a shirt, made in Vietnam, and looked like they would not make it through one round in the washing machine.

I rattled my brain for ideas. A tie? No. Socks? No. Underwear? No. Something not made of cotton? Maybe. But then I backed up to the underwear idea. Underwear…yes, but sexy underwear…and not for him, for me. What man did not like his wife to dress up in sexy underwear for him? BINGO! I had it.  If I was going to be a bitch, I mine as well be a sexy one.

As I marched over to the ladies apparel, I saw on display a matching black bra and panty set complete with a garter belt. As I discretely found my size in each of the garments, I checked the tags to see what they were made of. Turned out the only cotton in the entire outfit was the lining in the crotch (I kid you not!). I was not pleased, but I figured since that was the part he was going to be most interested in anyway, it would do just fine, so off to the register I went.

On the way home, I had an entire plan worked out in my head on how things were going to go down that evening. I had what I figured was 1-2 hours before my husband would get home, but I was not sure. So when I got home, I quickly threw a pork roast in the oven then sent my husband a text to inform him that I was making dinner and asked him to pick up some wine and something chocolate on his way home because I was PMSing. Not only would this tell me if he had left work yet, which is an hour drive for him, it would also buy me some time.

As I stood there waiting for his response, in less than a minute from sending my text, our dogs’ ears suddenly perked up and they went scurrying to the front door. The door opens and there is my husband. My sane side said, “DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!” My PMS side said, “CAN’T HE DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!”

He walks in and tells me he just got my text. I see he’s carrying a bag of goodies and he tells me he had already gotten a bottle of wine but would be happy to go out and get me something chocolate. That gave me time to devise plan B, which was to change into my sexy outfit while he was at the store and to be standing in the kitchen waiting for him when he got home.

So a few minutes later he leaves for the store. I run to the bedroom and start fixing myself up, touching up my hair and makeup. I then take out the outfit I bought and start ripping the price tags off. It was then that I remembered I had a cute little pink apron that said, “Put your big girl panties on and deal with it!” So I grabbed that out of the closet as well.

Like Wonder Woman, I begin changing from my average everyday clothes into my sexy outfit. First the panties, then the bra, then the stockings, then the garter…then the garter….then the…damn it…CRAP! HOW DO YOU GET THIS STUPID THING ON?!

As I fidgeted with the garter belt, I heard doggie feet scurrying across the floor downstairs along with the sound of the door open and close. He's home again.  With plan B foiled, I quickly think up plan C, which is to get my ass into the bathroom as fast as I can so he doesn’t see me yet, because I’m not ready!

So I shuffled into the bathroom. There I must have spent 15 minutes wrestling with the fasteners on the damn garter belt, trying to get them to stay attached to the stockings. Where was my duct tape when I needed it? Finally, I got the little bastards fastened. But just as I am about to put my apron on, I hear my husband turn on the shower, which is right outside the bathroom I am in. WTF!

At that point, I had ran out of plans. I knew the only thing I could do was to just wait until he got out of the shower and then walk out of the bathroom and let him see his surprise. So there I sat, on the toilet, in my sexy black outfit, complete with little pink apron and stiletto heels, waiting.

After a few minutes of sitting there talking myself out of  tearing everything off and flushing it down the commode, I heard the shower turn off and the glass door open. That was my cue.

I opened the bathroom door, took a quick look in the mirror across from me to make sure I had everything on right, and walked out. When my husband saw me, his mouth dropped open and all he could say was “OH, YEAH!” I gave him a smile, handed him my card, then strut my fancy ass down to the kitchen, where I poured myself a well-needed glass of wine.

With the PMS beast within me nice and tipsy, the rest of the evening went great, and my husband and I had a very fun night together. Little did he know that it was all due to his stupid little yellow sticky notes. Of course, I couldn’t let the day end without writing him a note of my own. He found it stuck to my tummy after I took my little pink apron off. It said, “Happy Anniversary while….” (I'll let you fill in the rest!)


KC said...

Funny girl....funny post. Thanks - I needed that.


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Unknown Mami said...

Too bad he didn't write one that said, "Happy Anniversary while PMSing".

Hillbilly Duhn said...

Holy Tampon! That was funny! lol Thank you for stopping by my blog and becomming a follower, I'm glad YOU did, cause I got to come read this and laughed out loud to the point my fam thought I was mental!

ethelmaepotter! said...

How long is going to take me to shake this image of you in black bra, panties, and pink apron, duct-taped garters, and stiletto heels, sitting dejectedly on the toilet with your chin in your hand?
I really want to share this hilarious post with my own hubby, but I'm afraid it would only give him IDEAS...

Grandma Nina said...

Discovered your blog via Kelly at Housewife Savant. What a great anniversary story. After 30 years of marriage my husband wishes I would still give him ann. presents like that. I used to. I'll be checking in on you again. Nice to meet you.

confessionsofacountrygirl said...

I soooo needed to read that! Too funny. Happy anniversary a little late. I'll definately be back to visit.

Janiece said...

OH my stars...
What a great laugh!

Best part... you can´t make that stuff up!!!

The Peach Tart said...

Way to give the husband a sexy anniversary surprise.