Tuesday, September 15, 2009

DUNT DUNT...DUNT DUNT...

It's coming (Jaws music playing)...dunt dunt...I can sense it...dunt dunt...all the warning signs are there...dunt dunt, dunt dunt....dunt dunt, dunt dunt...yes, folks...DUNT DUNT DUNT DUNT DUNT DUNT DUNT DUNT...it's, it's...PMS!!!! AAAHHHHHHH! Run for your lives! Men and children first!

I sensed that something was off last night when my husband and I were laying in bed watching TV and he kept talking to me and I wanted nothing more than for him to shut up. The next clue was when I woke up this morning to a yellow sticky note stuck to my bathroom mirror. It was from my husband and it said, "Happy Anniversary! I love you," and I said, "Whatever." Then, when I made my way to my desk, I found another sticky note stuck to my computer screen. It said, "Happy Anniversary again! Smooch - Smooch - Smooch - Smooch - and a quick feel," and all I could do was roll my eyes and grumble.

Next, I saw that my cell phone was turned over on my desk. So I picked it up to see if there were any messages for me. Stuck to the front of it was another sticky note that said, "Happy Anniversary while talking on your phone," and there was also a text message from him that said, "Happy Anniversary, my love." That is when visions of Godzilla trampling the villagers began to enter my mind, with Will Robinson's robot in the back ground yelling, "DANGER, DANGER!"

Yes, today is our anniversary. Two years. Now, I know that some of you women out there are saying, "Awweee...how sweet of him." Ahhhhh, yes...how frickin' sweet of him. Although a tiny part of my brain knows that his gesture is sweet and thoughtful, the rest of me can't help to hate him anyway. Now is not the time to be sweet to me!

The fact that I am even PMSing today is a cruel trick. That's because my period is really not due for another 2 weeks. So the only explanation is that I am going to start early this month. And guess whose fault that is? My daughter's! Yes, my daughter recently joined the ranks of true womanhood, and this is actually her week of PMS. GOD HELP US ALL! It is a known fact that women who live together tend to cycle together. Well, I'm on the back of my cycle right now and am ready to run over anyone who gets in my way (okay, even the innocent bystanders).

I'm sure that once my husband catches on that its going to be PMS in stereo this month, he will probably put on his cammies and pitch a tent in the backyard for the week (if he has any sense at all). And I'm sure it won't be long before our two boys join him.

Regardless of my foul mood, I know I will have to put on my best "Happy Anniversary" face and do what I can to let my husband know that I love and appreciate him. Because I do love him... right? Yes, it says right here in my journal under "Things To Remember During PMS" that I do , in fact, love my husband very much and he is a wonderful man (huh...imagine that). Well, I will do my best. Perhaps I can find one of those plastic Princess Halloween masks with the big, white, toothy smile plastered across it to wear to dinner this evening. It's the gesture that counts, right?

I just went to the fridge to get my stash of chocolate. Guess what I found stuck to the milk carton? Yes, another sticky note. SOMEBODY SHOOT ME...OR HIM! Either will put us both out of our misery! DUNT DUNT DUNT DUNT DUNT DUNT....

5 comments:

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

"Things to remember during PMS" journal? My god, you just gave away a million dollar idea...quick patent it now~! You could include punch out masks like paper dolls of happy faces to plaster over your own. You can even custom order ones with your face on them when you don't have PMS.

I may have to run over some emergency chocolate so you are in a chocolate coma when he comes home today.

Let me know if you find a stickie note in your wallet...maybe he put $100 bill in there for you~!

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

i agree with happy - patent it. phenomenal idea. i also want my husband to shut up but that's normal. work, blah, blah, blah, work, blah, blah, blah, politics, blah, blah, blah, work, blah, blah, blah SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! geezus!

thanks for visiting me and i'm following you now too. great blog title btw. you'll get big fast.

ethelmaepotter! said...

Know what I discovered about PMS? I liked it! Yes, I actually did! When I was younger, I thought PMS was just something women made up for an excuse to act crabby a few days every month, but as I aged, I found out it was REAL. And I was crabby beyond crabby. AND I knew I was crabby, and I liked the way I snapped at dear old hubby, and didn't want any part of his so-called affection (affection: one kiss and a quick hug that turns into a quick feel and a request that I join him in the bedroom. Yuck!)
PMS hit me too late in life and then menopause took all the fun out of the game. No more PMS for me. I think I feel like faking some today, though!
You are an incredibly talented and hilarious writer. I'm spreading the word about this site!

Kaylen said...

It seems fair that you would make a journal for the man in the house.
The sticky notes were a cute/sweet idea, if not for the poor timing on the part of your uterine lining! :)

Unknown Mami said...

What's up, Funny?