Wednesday, June 17, 2009

When God Made Woman

As I was on my way to my local CVS store the other day, I began to think that God must have either been in a foul mood when he created woman or maybe after he made man he realized his second model was going to have to be a lot tougher. I mean, why else would we have ended up with all the crap we have to deal with—periods every month, PMS, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause, as well as the reason for my trip to CVS--yeast infections!

I was 18 years old when I got my first yeast infection. Unfortunately, I did not know anything about yeast infections at that time. And we didn’t have internet back then, so I couldn’t Google “How did the cottage cheese I ate for lunch come out of my vagina?” No, all my questions had to be presented to my closest friends, where I learned that it was either (A) Normal, (B) An incurable venereal disease, or (C) A hole in my intestines and food was actually leaking out of my vagina. With the horrible thought of the possibility of actually having B or C, I went to the doctor and was relieved to find out it was nothing serious, just a little yeast infection.

Since that time, I have learned a lot about yeast infections. For example, regardless of it’s name, the yeast in our vaginas is not something you want to use to make the baked goods for your next fund raiser. The yeast in our vaginas is basically the “good” bacteria in our bodies. And when we have a yeast infection, it is because the balance between the good and bad bacteria in our bodies is out of whack, so the good bacteria overgrows. Yippee for us!

Regardless of what is going on with the yeast in our vaginas, one thing is for sure—it causes the itch from hell! Of course, no matter how much you scratch, the more it itches, and if you scratch enough, it not only itches but also burns like hell. So then you try not to scratch at all, but then find yourself rubbing up against furniture, dry humping the vacuum cleaner, and inventing reasons to visit your neighbor several times during the day so that their big dog can nuzzle your crotch.

Thank goodness we can now buy the medication we need to cure the yeast infection and that burning itch in the store. It sure beats having to go to the doctor to get a prescription like we used to have to do.

The only problem we have now when it comes to buying the medication in the store is all the choices we have. There are so many different brands now and so many different products. As I stood there in the isle at CVS, I was amazed at how much time and money has been spent on marketing by companies. And to think they are all competing for our vaginas. Not only is there the traditional 7-day treatment, but there is also now a 3-day and a 1-day treatment. There are also various types of fancy applicators for the cream. And there’s even a no-mess, egg-shaped capsule that you can insert, which for some reason gave me visions of chickens.

But the most fascinating thing I found on the market for yeast infections is the new screening kit. Basically, it is a kit that will tell you if the stuff coming out of your vagina is due to a yeast infection or something else. I can see the poor girl now, sitting in her bathroom after testing the stuff coming out of her. I imagine it being like a game show where she is hoping the yeast infection is behind door #3, but then she finds out that what’s behind door #3 is something much worse and has to report to her doctor immediately and contact the Center of Disease Control to give them the name of every man she has ever slept with.

Despite my preference for tampons over pads, all those fancy screening kits, 1- and 3-day treatments, and egg-shaped capsules aren’t for me. No, I go with the traditional 7-day messy cream with the simple plastic applicator. It works every time.

If you think about it, men don't have any stuff like this to deal with when it comes to their bodies. So why did we get stuck with all the unpleasantries? Like I said, maybe it was something man did that put God in a foul mood on the day he created us. Or maybe he just realized that in order for mankind to survive, he was going to need a much tougher creature--a woman!


Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Another hilarious post~! I like the itch from true. And, well, you missed the other good part, the smell o' vision aspect. Yuck. Probably grossed everyone out with that one! HAHAHA.

L said...

Ewwwww...that's gross...but so true! As I was once told, if it smells like fish, it ain't a yeast infection!

Anonymous said...

Gross nd great!

Apparently (from what one doctor says to me) the Mirena IUD can these, too! Yay... don't get pregnant, but can get wonderful side effects.